The 5 Things I Thought I Would NEVER Say as a Parent

When you dream of becoming a parent for years, as I did, you picture something quite idyllic. A cute little baby making gurgling sounds. The smell of baby powder. You might even dream about all of things you might say to your bundle of joy like how much you love them or what wishes you have for their future.

The reality of parenthood is far different. Sure, your baby is adorable and you do hear gurgling sounds…usually before a massive diaper explosion. You do smell baby powder, but it is in efforts to cover up the massive stench of your diaper pail or even yourself, covered in baby vomit. You do often tell your child how much and how completely you love them, but you also say a lot of other things…things maybe not so pleasant.

Blue Poop and the Other Things I Thought I Would Never Say as a Parent

5  Things I Thought I Would Never Say as a Parent

1. “So…let me tell you about her poop.”

There were days, before parenthood, in which my husband and I whispered sweet nothings to each other. Or we might discuss our day or even events in the news. Since becoming parents, the majority of our conversations revolve around bodily functions…specifically poop.

We have discussed, in detail, our daughter’s poop. The color, size, and texture. Not to mention the frequency and duration. I am not saying that it is not important to discuss your child’s poop. Indeed, your child’s poop can tell you a great deal about their health. Click here to read about what is normal and what is not concerning your child’s poop. Who am I kidding? If you are a parent, you have already googled this about a million times.

Allow me to set the stage for a typical poop-related conversation with my husband. My husband arrives home from work and after some initial pleasantries, I say,

“Let me tell you about her poop.”

“Was it blue again?” my husband might ask.

“Blue stinkies!” my daughter will chime in.

“No, it was more of a yellowish-green and the consistency of mashed bananas.”

“Banana stinkies!”

This could go on forever. It was pretty much a constant while we were introducing my daughter to solid foods. Those were certainly some interesting colors! Now that my daughter is potty training, she has joined in on the poop conversations. She is obsessed with her own accomplishments and those of others.

There is nothing quite like being in a public restroom and having your child shout at top volume, “Mama! Are you making a stinky?!” It is awesome. If you are not a parent, you might not spend this amount of time discussing your bodily functions. However, if you are a parent, you know poop-talk is on the daily agenda.

2. “Don’t Drink the Bath Water!”

Aahhh…bath time. It supposed to be the time in which you help your child relax and unwind before bed time. Somehow, this does not end up being the case. Now that my daughter is a toddler, she likes to exert her independence in the bathtub by bathing and entertaining herself.

As I supervise her bathing, it is not too long before she takes her cup meant to scoop water and starts guzzling. The cup does not have a straw. It is not a sippy cup or contain her requisite amount of ice. Yet, she tosses that dirty, soapy water down her gullet like a champ.

As I admonish, “Don’t drink the bath water!!!” my daughter just looks at me with a mouth full of bubbles and grins. One would think we could save the mouth full of soap for her teen-aged years at least!

3. Don’t Eat the Dog’s Food!

My daughter and our beloved dog have become besties. There is just something about my dog’s velvety-soft ears and long tail that just begs to be touched. My daughter has spent most of her short life crawling or running after my dog, trying to emulate her every move.

Sometimes she stands next to our dog at the fence in our backyard, matching her bark-for-bark. I am sure our neighbors just love that. It is just that she wants to do everything our dog does…including eat her dog food.

I am a work-from-home mom. As any work-from-home mom knows, sometimes your attention is divided between your work life and your mom life by necessity. I am a teacher and try to give my students my undivided attention while teaching online. However, one day, as I am teaching, I happen to glance over at my daughter. She was on all fours, face first, in my dog’s food bowl.

Oh sure, she will not eat chicken, but she will eat chicken-flavored dog kibble. Another time, she was taking my dog’s kibble out her container and “making it rain” while my dog scurried to gobble up every piece.

4. “Yes.”

This may seem odd, but before becoming a parent, I thought I would say, “No” far more often than “Yes.” Being a parent can turn you into a nervous wreck. In effort to protect your babies, you do say “no” quite a bit. However, I have discovered that I actually say “yes” more often.

I have learned that the more I say “yes” that the more powerful my “no’s” become. My plan is to allow my daughter a bit of freedom so that she can make her own choices and decisions. So far, she is learning that maybe the big slide is too big for her and if she runs in the house she might fall.

Now, when I do say “no”, my daughter amazingly heeds my warnings. I am selective with my no’s and always explain the why behind my instruction. It is possible that by doing this I am building trust with my daughter. My hope is that she may not always listen to “Don’t eat the dog food” now, but maybe someday she will hear me when I say, “Don’t date him! He’s a dog!”

5. “Here is a lollipop.”

Somehow I have managed to become somewhat of a “crunchy” mom. This did not necessarily start out as my intention. Since becoming a parent, I have gravitated towards  “all natural” and “wholesome”.

That being said, as much as I ensure that my daughter eats a healthy diet, there are times in which it is flat-out necessary to offer a lollipop. Swim lessons and trips to Target are two occasions (among many) in which you want to be armed with a lollipop or two.

Sometimes my daughter just loves carrot sticks and bananas. Other times, there is nothing that is going to freeze that toddler meltdown in its tracks like a lollipop. Coming from the mama who has continued to breastfeed and made every ounce of baby food from scratch, it may seem incongruous to offer my child a lollipop. But they are organic and a life saver, so pass the pops.

The Future of My Words

I have a feeling that there will be many, many more things that I will say as a parent that I cannot even fathom now as possible. This parenting gig is sometimes a day-to-day and moment-to-moment kind of thing. I am learning on my feet as I go. To my daughter, I am sorry if I do not always say and do the “right” things. The one thing I say, that you can always trust, is that I love you more than words can express.

Things I Thought I Would Never Say as a Parent

What are things you thought you would NEVER say as a parent? Please comment and share below!


32 thoughts on “The 5 Things I Thought I Would NEVER Say as a Parent

  1. Haha! So true about the poop. It was so much easier to think of what I would say as a parent before my children were born…now that they’re here, I say all kinds of things that would have surprised my pre-parent self. Well, that’s just how it goes!

    1. I know exactly what you mean! If I would have had a crystal ball before becoming a parent, I would be so shocked! Someday, I’m sure my husband and I will talk more about my daughter’s homework, but for now it is a lot of poopy talk! Thank you for reading and commenting!

  2. OMG, this is so very true. Especially the “Yes” point. We tell them not to say No to when it comes to following directions but surprisingly, we tend to use the same more quite often when they ask s for something…:)

  3. This is so funny and so true! I was so afraid I was the only mom who told her child not to drink the bath water. My son is 3 and still does this almost every time! And the poop thing is so very true too! It doesn’t seem to stop the older they get. I’m hoping some day soon we can stop talking about poop. 🙂 Thank you for sharing this, it was great!

    1. Thank you! Why, why, why the soapy bath water? So, there is more poop talk in my future? Man, oh man. I thought maybe you reached a quota at some point! Haha! Thank you for stopping by and sharing!

    2. Thank you! Why, why, why do they love the soapy bath water? I do not get it! So, my future hold more poop talk? I thought maybe we had reached some kind of quota! Thank you for stopping by and sharing!

  4. My daughter is not a toddler anymore. So, right now, my things are “just go watch tv” and “when was the last time you pooped?”. Ugh. I don’t like for her to watch much tv but there are times when she’s antsy and being a pill and my husband tells me “do yourself a favor, give in and let her watch tv for an hour.” So, I listen to him. 🙂 The other is self explanatory. Lol. Mom Life!!!

  5. Number 2 seems to be our everyday routine. Our toddler wants her bath on everyday basis (as a kind or evening routine) and drinking bath water is her favorite discipline 🙂

  6. ha ha ha ha What a awesome post! I was having a good chuckle along with you. I am a mamma of three boys and have found myself saying and doing some of the things you have mentioned and others. ha ha ha My boys pee in the bath and then drink the water. Oh and eat the dog food and apparently have even tried to drink their own pee. (bwahahahahahaha gross). You sound like you are an awesome mom and a fun one at that. So, from one mom to another well done 🙂

  7. Haahaha, #1-#3 made me laugh a lot.

    And #4 and #5 are things I imagine I’ll probably do as a mother. (That’s my hope, at least. When the time comes). I do those things as a teacher and I think I am much more effective in my connection with them (and I feel like I can get more out of them when I do those things).

    Thanks for the laugh this morning 🙂

    1. Being a teacher definitely prepared me for parenthood in so many ways. I had to tell a student just today to please not eat their boogers. In both roles, it is important to maintain your sense of humor!

  8. While I’m not a mom yet, I am definitely storing your statement about yes versus no in my mind until the time comes. Sometimes it’s almost too easy to say no instead of letting them learn for theirselves. Sounds like you’ve got that whole mothering thing down. 🙂

    1. I so do not having mothering down, but I learn every day! Saying “yes” has definitely been more powerful than “no”, especially through toddlerhood. They seem to love that positive reinforcement! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment!

  9. While I’m not a mom yet, I am definitely storing your statement about yes versus no in my mind until the time comes. Sometimes it’s almost too easy to say no instead of letting them learn for their selves. Sounds like you’ve got that whole mothering thing down. 🙂

  10. these are delightful and fun! Many others came to mind: “please don’t eat your T-shirt,” “Why does the bathroom smell like play dough,” and a few others. It’s encouraging to laugh together when, in the moment, these silly statements may seem anything but humorous. Thanks for sharing!

  11. I’m not a mother yet, but I have been imagining what I’d do and not do with my child. It’s so easy to imagine, I am 100% sure it’s going to be totally different! Thanks for giving me a little look into motherhood!

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